It’s hard to ignore a stigma that you’ve heard about your entire life.

I have depression and I feel like I’ve made that pretty public in my personal escapade to rid the world of the mental-illness taboo. Recently it’s just gotten worse and worse – to the point where I can’t fall asleep until four in the morning and wake up at six and then at seven-thirty and then lay awake until nine.

My mind never stops thinking and it’s always about things I want to forget or I never wanted to acknowledge.

I’m exhausted, to say the least.

Once upon a time, I took antidepressants. It was fine but I really didn’t want to rely on some silly pill to “make me happy.” I know that’s just the thoughts I’ve acquired from society, after all a cancer patient wouldn’t feel bad about relying on medication to make him better; but I can’t help it.

I’ve been looking in to different solutions, mostly therapy and emotional support animals, to help ease the pain – both physical and emotional – that comes with a mental illness like mine. For some reason, no matter how great or easy the other options seem, antidepressants always find their way into my mind.

I remember feeling “normal” when taking the medication, or what I imagine normal feels like. I can’t truly remember why I stopped, I think it was something to do with fear or maybe it was funds or maybe I was stupid enough to believe I was 100% “cured.”

I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared to go back on antidepressants, but – if I continue this rational honesty – I don’t really know why. They help me, or at least they did, when I hit these lows and all they are really doing is supplying me with the hormones everyone else already has.

It’s a daily struggle, a conflict that keeps me up most nights until just before dawn, and the resolution seems simple enough.

I think I’ve made my decision in this 2:40 a.m. blog post while sitting on a lawn chair on a balcony in 20 degree weather. I think I’ve finally decided.

But I want to know what you think, what you have to say. I share my life with you willing, and you equally as willingly continue to read. You have to have some sort of opinion so share; don’t be afraid.

Until next time. I promise to keep you all updated.


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