Trigger warning

I just wanted to put a trigger warning at the beginning of this post. I have been struggling a lot with my depression recently and I need a place to put my thoughts and this is my blog; this is where I write everything I don’t want to share with the world because it forces me to speak up and helps me overcome my demons. There is a bit of suicidal speech in this blog post. I’m safe, I’m okay, and I’m dealing with it. I promise. But if you need help, please reach out to someone. You can even talk to me. I’ve been there, heck I’m basically there on a day-to-day basis. Don’t be afraid. There’s always tomorrow. 

What is happiness?

Is it an experience? Is it a memory? Is it a feeling? Or is it simply an influx of chemicals?

My life is a series of high highs and very low lows. Each time I feel like I have finally found something that will bring me permanent happiness, I sink into a depression lower than the previous time.

It’s like knowing that I should be happy and being aware of all the blessings I have in my life, but not being able to feel this emotion everyone else seems to have down packed.

It’s having the best day of your life and still feeling like you’re not good enough and you’ll never be good enough. It’s having a once in a lifetime opportunity because you’re truly skilled in what you’re doing but thinking that all of this “college stuff” is just a waste of time because you’ll fail anyway.

It’s losing all motivation the second your eyes open and not being able to fall asleep when your exhausted body slips into bed.

It’s needing help but being too afraid to ask for it because you feel weak and stupid.

It’s signing up for too many things just to keep from thinking about it all because drowning in work is better than drowning in the tears you refuse to fall and the thoughts you refuse to put out into the world.

My goal in life has always been to put positivity out into the world and help others, but I need a little positivity for myself this week.

See the problem with pouring yourself into your work is that when all of the feelings and thoughts you pushed into your core finally surface, you have no time to deal with them. You have no breathing room because when you were running from your mental illness you threw everything in its path, and the walkway you blocked was the only way out. And now you’re cornered with nowhere to run.

I make really bad jokes. I laugh and tell people “I hate myself” when I’m feeling uncomfortable because it’s true but everyone will think I’m joking. I kid about throwing myself off of cliffs or just going to sleep and never waking up because maybe if I say it out loud the thought will go away.

But the problem is I’m always uncomfortable. I know you think I’m joking, but I’m not. I’m always anxious and uncomfortable. Hugs make me nauseous and eye contact scares the living heck out of me. Just the idea of falling in love makes me want to burst out into tears. There are so many things that someone that close to you could do.

I hate myself for feeling this way and thinking the things I do. I hate myself for having these lapses in judgement where my emotions take over logic and rule my choices too willingly. I hate myself for thinking that I could just get over it despite the fact I have always preached that depression isn’t something you simply “get over.”

I hate myself for not being able to have genuine friendships without second guessing why they’re friends with me. What do they want? What is their goal? Why me?

I hate not being able to trust anyone and feeling terrified at this idea that I can’t even trust myself.

I hate myself for not being able to hold a conversation without analyzing everything that comes out of my mouth. I hate myself for giving pieces of myself to people who didn’t deserve it and allowing those experiences to poison my current relationships with my friends and family.

I’m scared of everything but I’m more scared of myself and what I can do and what I can’t do. I’m most scared of the things I want to do because I know I won’t do them.

People have a lot of fears: spiders, heights, closed-off spaces, etc. My biggest fears are failure and disappointment. The saddest thing is I know with this cycle of mine my two biggest fears are all I have waiting for me at the end of my journey.


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