Did I stutter?

Over this past week I have developed a severe stutter.

When I first told my parents, we all went to the worst possible cases: a stroke, MS, Parkinson’s. And the truth is, right now we’re not sure what it is.

The best answer the doctors could give us is stress but this has never happened before and they’ve never seen anything like it before. I’m okay, aside from the regular headaches and such, and I’m getting a doctor and psychiatrist to hopefully fix whatever is happening.

I never knew how hard it was for people with stutters. I hate knowing what I want to say and not being able to say it. It’s so frustrating.

Thankfully I do have medicine that makes it stop for four or five hours, but once that’s gone I’ll have nothing. We’re all hoping it will be gone by then; we’re hoping it was disappear as suddenly as it appeared.

I’ve been making a lot of jokes while this is happening, trying to lighten the mood. This really couldn’t have come at a more inconvenient time.

I spent all of Saturday in the Emergency Room and my parents drove all the way here to make sure I was okay. The bright side of this whole situation is I get to see my parents again this weekend and I start my new job tomorrow. I’m so excited.

I’m also really nervous about talking to new people and afraid that maybe this is permanent.

But I’m relaxing and trying to de-stress, I’m evaluating all of the things I’m signed up for next semester and taking a critical look at what I can do and do well and keep myself healthy.

It’s weird being able to do inhuman things — like write 20-page papers in a night and take 20 credits on top of everything else — and never have it bother you. I’m always told how much people look up to me and so I push myself more because “well I did that successfully so I can do more.” This whole situation scared/is scaring me and helping me to realize I have my whole life a head of me (I hope).

I spent my whole childhood wishing for college to come and now I’m doing the same thing to college. I’ve not taking the seconds I need to enjoy myself, I’m too busy looking at all of the things I’m going to need to do in graduate school and beyond.

I always thought that I could take a break when I retire or when I finally get the career of my dreams, but I’m learning that is too far away. I can’t keep pulling all-nighters and taking 20 credits on top of jobs and clubs so I can get to that career 5 years early. If I do, I might not make it there at all.

I just wanted to keep every one updated on my health and how I’m doing. I’m okay, and we’re getting to the bottom of this, if we haven’t already.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful.


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