I had another anxiety attack last night — a couple actually. The reason might seem trivial on the surface but I promise you there is much more to it.
It all started with a group message, a couple of dings and a handful of girls. There were a lot of emojis — hearts and smiles — and everyone was excited for the coming weeks. You see, we are all supposed to move in together, into the same apartment where I experienced some of the worst days and nights of my life.
I can’t explain it all, not yet at least, but it’s an experience I pray that I will never relive. I have nightmares about it and there are days where I feel like I’m back in that moment. It’s the reason I’m so afraid of people and I can’t seem to get past this wall of fear and anxiety when it comes to new people, especially new roommates.
Everyone was so excited, sharing names and memories, and I couldn’t bring myself to type back. I was nauseous and tears started to well up in my eyes. I realized that I could never trust them and that, if I was being honest, I never wanted to move in with them.
I’m terrified. It makes me not want to go back to my university, it makes me want to quit college altogether. I’m scared.
I feel like no one understands what I’m feeling. I feel trapped and sick, like I want to crawl back to my parent’s house and never leave. I can’t breathe and I can’t stop shaking. I’m reliving the weeks and days before I moved in with some of the most malicious and downright evil people I have ever met.
And the worst part is… I don’t know what to do.