This is goodbye


To my ex-bestfriend,

I wanted to include your name so badly. I wanted everyone to know who you are, but I love you too much to do that to you. I wrote a piece weeks ago that I really wanted to post, and since then I’ve wanted to post it more than anything.

I’m doing what you asked, however, I’m not posting that piece, but there are still feelings and thoughts left unsaid.

First of all you lied; you lied about everything. You promised he would never get in the way of us, that he would not take up all of your time, that he was different. He’s a horrible person and he’s ruining all of the good things about you. You spent every night sleeping with him while the apartment your parents paid for laid empty with only myself and my dog. You lied about being “too busy” to see the people who were always there for you.

I gave you too many chances and even after I said I was done holding on to all of this anger and hurt, I lied. I lied too. You hurt me more than you will ever know. I kept trying to fix our relationship even after you were clearly done. You lied to your parents about where you were and who you were with. You had me lie, too. He turned you into a time bomb, one that would only affect the people who truly loved you. He’s abusive and manipulative and one of the few people in this world that I truly despise.

You told me you found what worked for you, what made you feel better in regards to your mental health. I would have bought that if I didn’t know you better. You told me you are at his house all of the time because you like to be around a lot of people, funny enough I didn’t think that many people could fit in his bedroom.

You told me it was up to me, whether or not our relationship was worth saving, but that was never the truth. It was always up to you. I tried, I tried for months to keep our relationship together. I tried to talk to you, but you were the one who was gone from the equation. A relationship takes two people, and unlike you I know when something is bad for me. We promised to stop “subtweeting” each other. You promised to stop blaming him for all of your mistakes. You are an adult. He may influence your decisions but at the end of the day they are your choices and you are the one who is going to have to answer for them.

I was there before he moved into the apartment right next to your’s, when you would cry over him every Friday because he cancelled “date night” to go drink with his friends. Maybe if you’d taken a semester break from him you would realize what poison he is to you.

You talk about my morals and actions conflicting when you’re the one standing pant-less in a room with him. What do I do? I put artwork on my body? I drink coffee? I love my religion but it does not define who I am, it is an extension of me and helps me create a map for my life. For someone so rooted in your religion, you end up in other people’s beds a little too often.

I’m going to stop bringing him into this, however, because like I said before these were your decisions. It was your decision to allow a fake support animal into our home despite the numerous conversations where I said no. It was your decision to take off work to sit around at his job while he was working. It was your decision to spend the whole day with him instead of me on my birthday.

Speaking of my birthday, thank you. Thank you for having me leave my parents for you. Thank you for taking me along to run your errands. Thank you for laying in his room while I ate cake without candles and leftover pizza from your lunch with him. I don’t think I would be as upset about this if you hadn’t completely forgotten about my birthday and then told me you had a big surprise planned. I could have hung out with my family or with our roommates. Don’t worry, I actually had a wonderful birthday despite my time with you.

I realize that part of the reason I’m so hurt is my fault. I gave you the power to hurt me by trusting you to make decisions that were healthy and beneficial to you. I gave you the power to hurt me by letting you in. I gave you the power to hurt me by caring about the decisions you made. I’m done making those mistakes.

I’m saying goodbye for me. You’ve become toxic to my life, as long as you remain dependent on him and as long as you allow yourself to throw away friendships for him.

I’m writing this to you and to the world. I will always love the moments we shared together and the person you used to be. I will miss the 2 a.m. conversations and the random adventures. But this is where I need to be and this is what I have to do. I’ve lost faith in our friendship.

Regards,

Just another person you hurt

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